CRISPY VISITS THE HOUSE OF TERROR

Andrassy, Budapest, Hungary

YOUR BEJEEZUS AND HOW TO LOSE THEM

1) Approach an elevator. Make sure that the elevator attendant has short blond hair and thick glasses with silver rims and appears to be comfortable in uniform.

2) Think to yourself: "I bet that’s not the only uniform he has"

3) Wonder: “I wonder what other kind of uniform he has?” Look at the attendant, La Guarde, for some sort of indication. Avert your eyes as he returns your glance in a steely fashion.

4) Think about having roasted wieners in a a bun for lunch. Wonder to yourself: "I wonder why I would want roasted weiners on a bun for lunch. I don't even like roasted weiners on a bun for lunch."

5) Consider the fact that you might have seen Geschätzter Doktor attendant in “The Sound of Music.” Sing to yourself: “The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Music” a little in order to relax.

6) Acknowledge Herr Doktor with a nod when he indicates that you will stand behind the yellow line while waiting for the elevator and then indicates the yellow line by tapping his metal-tipped cane on what appears to be a yellow line at your feel although it is so hard to tell because it is so dark.

7) Try to forget about the fact that there were good and bad people in “The Sound of Music.”

8) Don’t worry about the hallway being so dark. Here comes the elevator!

9) Enter the elevator as requested by your friend the elevator man. Listen to the cool echo when the door closes tightly behind you.

10) Even though there are a lot of people in the elevator, don’t fidget around and be sure not to act upset that the elevator is even darker than the hallway of the elevator.

11) Notice that the elevator moves really, really, really, really slow. Stop singing “So Long, Farewell, Auf Widersehen, Goodbye" from The Sound of Music and return to singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Music" from The Sound of Music.

12) Focus on cool things like daydreams like a trip to Austria some day where you can see alive hills.

13) Turn towards the monitor screen in the elevator as instructed by the voice on the monitor. Be thankful that the monitor is nice and bright and cheery and makes the elevator a little less dark. As the man on the monitor starts to talk about things that you don’t want to hear about very much, hum to yourself. Don’t worry about bothering anyone else in the elevator.

14) Continue to hum to yourself for as long as the scary man on the blindingly bright monitor continues to say things. Remember that he is not saying them to you specifically. If you are humming “The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Music” and run out of verses to sing as the elevator keeps going and going, try humming “My Favorite Things” and even when you run out of verses,keep going by singing up cool, new, made-up things. It’s easy! There are so many things to be thankful for!

all artwork, except likenesses of Lyndon B. Johnson, by Crispy Flotilla ® 2006