Tuesday, April 15, 2014

CONCEPTION


A child decides to grow a beard when he is four.
He doesn’t start shaving until he is sixteen.
By the time he is eighteen, the beard is fourteen.



UNPARALLELED


I went into a spooky movie theatre
in order to look for spooks
but all I found were spooky chairs,
spooky rugs, spooky popcorn
a very spooky EXIT sign
and a desire in my heart
to eat Nonpareils
and stay put
until some of
unparalleled 
spookiness 
happened:

I forgot
what spooky
meant















Fred the Scientist said that the soul leaves the body
but the soul never leaves the world. Think of it, Fred 
said, as an electric current, connected to, say, a toaster.
Yes, you remove the plug from the wall, but that doesn’t 
mean that electricity no longer exists. Electricity is still coursingthrough the veins of your house. Electricity is 
like the soul. The soul is electric. The fiery light lives 
forever. The only thing that is not immortal, Fred said, 
between bites, is a lightning bolt, I mean, is toast.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

ICICLES















When they walked up the stairs they were really big.
When they walked down the stairs that were so small
that they couldn’t walk down the stairs.
Please don’t forget them.



HOW TO PLAY TANGO MUSIC














They tell you the chords and then you play them
and you think: “That’s a Tango.” But then they
keep telling you more chords and more chords
and more chords until it is no longer a tango,
it is a piano. The old lady in the corner was
beautiful and young before they taught you
that the tango is everything in the world. 

Still, I think she would still like to have this dance.

Friday, March 28, 2014


I said CHATEAUNEUF DE PAPE all the way
to the liquor store but they didn’t have any.
Because they were a liquor store. 
The cashier suggested I try 
a wine store.
Or France.

In France, I say, he said

Have you noticed that all the popes lately,
are bald? You’re darn tootin’ I said.
But they also have better names than in 
the days of people like Septimus, who
was a cardinal named Pinelli. There was
also a Sixtus somewhere–and a Fagnanus.

Outside the liquor store the fans 
were “cooling the oscillators.”

This is a coded message for 
people who can’t decide between
sine waves and saw tooth waves.
And wavy hair.

I like to eat breakfast.

I was calling Bonnie & Clyde
“good eggs” as I sat down to eggs.
But that means something different 
in French, where I buy my Chateauneuf,
look for my popes, stare at things until 
they are bloody. At breakfast. I do like it.

Huevos Rancheros are what you might call
good eggs. They actually mean “The egg
of the lonely cowboy” in Spanish. 
But how can anyone be lonely in Spanish?
It isn’t a Spanish word. They can only be
round, like a huevo. Which is only almost 
round. How round, you ask? Jesus, It’s an egg, 
goddam it.

“Good Egg” in French means
a bald person who leads an unhappy life
without proper socks or cleansing materials
and never says “Thank You.” He may or
may not love Jesus, but you can be damn
sure that Jesus loves him. 

I met three of those people, good eggs,
all. One played the vibraphone. He played 
it so sweet, I started ovulating like a woman.
It must have cost 200 euros that vibraphone.
I was in the hospital.

I like to translate anything into euros.

Yesterday I translated pesos into euros.

And I bought a toy oboe with euros.

The day before I translated a irish wolfhound
into euros.

And I ate breakfast in euros.

Enough breakfast.

A curio.

Breakfast in Europe:

Tomorrow I am going sailing in a boat
made by the tiniest Romanians you have
ever seen after a hearty breakfast.

When I am in want of a good term, I use
“Romanians” - it’s a familiar and yet
unfamiliar term to most people who live
in North Carolina as I do. 

Once I visit Romania, specifically, Transylvania, 
I will find a new place to mention when I am 
in want of a good term now that I know far too
 much about Romania, including: they have cows there.

If I ever own a cow, I will name it
“The Steadfast Brothel of Romania”
or: Roman Polanski for short. HA!
What would I do with a cow?
In Romania?

I could sleep under a cow in Romania. 
I saw a baby, just a little thing, just a stupid
little thing,

sleep under a Great Dane. It’s pretty 
much the same thing. Sleeping under a beautiful
thing and possibly dying. But that baby lived!

I guess. It’s funny–that is one baby that is not going
to remember the Great Dane it slept under. Unless
the Great Dane writes a story about it. Yesterday

I took a picture of a Great Dane holding a pen
and looking thoughtfully into the distance. 
I made him out of clay.

Well, chewing gum.

“My Most Unforgettable Character” – this should
always be your Father. Not a dog. 

HA! I almost wrote “The Pope” - I really just meant,
Pop. Like the weasel. When people die, they become
brazenly different, but what would I know?

I would know unforgettable characters. There’s Pablo
Casals, Adolf Hitler, Gandhi, Lex Luger (Pro Wrestler)
and Janie Matzo Ball (Fictional) with that face. 
My she had a face. But so does everybody. 
The face of make believe.
And frankly, everybody is unforgettable.
I will never forget you. For example.

Don’t ask me why. I told you I am going sailing today.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Discovery



A long time ago,  Faye sang a gospel song called 
"The World Isn't My Home." 

I can hear ten million lawnmowers.

It makes me feel a little better.

Especially when I hear someone yell DAMN.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

PLAY


The best thing to do when you play one note
is to play another. Close your eyes and put
your finger down. At first you might say
“That’s no good” because you are in a pickle 
with the note you chose. But even using the word 
‘pickle’ can be like that. Where do you go 
from the pickle

of an F# after a C natural? That is a pickle in music,
as ‘pickle’ is a pickle in literature because you say 
“Well now there is nowhere to go from here”–in words.

But just like you can follow ‘pickle’ with memories 
of the ballpark or a handsome pickle vendor, you can 
meander beautifully, handsomely, away from F# into all 
sorts of new places that start with letters that you didn’t 
expect:  G flat, for example, B natural, C sharp. One must 

be mindful at such times, but not in the Buddhaish way - 
it’s more like minding the store in an old fashioned way:

knowing your inventory, knowing when
to stack and what to stack and how not
to stack too high. Knowing how to sell–

Knowing when to open the door, and
knowing when to close it. Knowing 
the right words to say when a grieving 
widow walks into your establishment, 
and behind her, a thousand head of
raging cattle.

NOTE TO SELF


Playing the piano isn’t really like living your life, 
but there are some interesting ways in which 
it is exactly the opposite.

Friday, March 21, 2014

I’LL DRIVE


What can you say to a terrible painter?
You can say: “I love your music.”

What if they say: "What do you think
of my painting?"

You can say “It’s amazing and
also interesting how it is so different 
from your music.”

Or you can say “Is it too early for ice cream?”
Make sure you say this late in the day.
Yummy, yummy ice cream.

And always say: “My treat!”

WHEN I FALL ASLEEP, SOMETIMES THIS IS THE LAST THING I SEE


almost always

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Ever since he was a little baby, 
I have always said to my son
“That a nice sound” every time
he made a sound. Now he is
85 years old and he is still 
making nice sounds. The only 
thing that has changed is that 
when once I could hear
the sound of horse’s hoofs
when he made a sound, now
I can hear the sound of 
rocket ships when he makes
a sound. 

YOU WOULD BE LAUGHING

You would be laughing

if you know who Salvador Dali was
and I told you that I saw him in Barcelona
drawing a straight line on a checkered table cloth
and then after you laughed you would call me a liar
and then there would be the standard champagne in the face affair
and the apology of silence and then the What say we go to a bar?
I know one where I once saw  Jackson Pollack tied his shoe ever so neatly
in a million little pieces and you would say Who? a tupperware of champagne
safely golden and nestled resting and ready in your purse and there’s that bar right 
in front of us oh my why did you have to turn down the other street and to powder?
Sometimes it's a little distracting.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

MAGIC MEN

All the people who have ever been in the band HEART:

1963, 1967–19691969–19711971–19721972–1974
(The Army)
  • Roger Fisher – lead guitars, backing vocals
  • Steve Fossen – bass guitar, percussion
  • Don Wilhelm – guitars, keyboards, lead vocals
  • Ray Schaefer – drums
(White Heart / Heart / White Heart)
  • Roger Fisher – lead guitars, backing vocals
  • Steve Fossen – bass guitar, percussion
  • Gary Ziegelman – lead vocals
  • James Cirrello – guitars
  • Ron Rudge – drums
  • Ken Hansen – percussion
  • Debi Cuidon – vocals
(White Heart)
  • Roger Fisher – lead guitars, backing vocals
  • Steve Fossen – bass guitar, percussion
  • David Belzer – Hammond B-3, Fender Rhodes electric piano
  • Jeff Johnson – drums
(White Heart / Hocus Pocus / Heart)
  • Roger Fisher – lead guitars, backing vocals
  • Steve Fossen – bass guitar, percussion
  • David Belzer – Hammond B-3, Fender Rhodes electric piano
  • Jeff Johnson – drums
  • Mike Fisher – guitars
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
1974–19751975–19791979–19821982–1993
  • Roger Fisher – lead guitars, backing vocals
  • Steve Fossen – bass guitar, percussion
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • John Hannah – keyboards
  • Brian Johnstone – drums
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Roger Fisher – lead guitars, backing vocals
  • Steve Fossen – bass guitar, percussion
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Michael DeRosier – drums, percussion
  • Howard Leese – guitars, bass, keyboards, synthesizers, mandolin, recorder, orchestra arrangements, autoharp, percussion, backing vocals
  • Steve Fossen – bass guitar, percussion
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Michael DeRosier – drums, percussion
  • Howard Leese – guitars, bass, keyboards, synthesizers, mandolin, recorder, orchestra arrangements, autoharp, percussion, backing vocals
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Howard Leese – guitars, bass, keyboards, synthesizers, mandolin, recorder, orchestra arrangements, autoharp, percussion, backing vocals
  • Mark Andes – bass guitar, backing vocals
  • Denny Carmassi – drums, percussion
19931993–199519951995–1998
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Howard Leese – guitars, bass, keyboards, synthesizers, mandolin, recorder, orchestra arrangements, autoharp, percussion, backing vocals
  • Denny Carmassi – drums, percussion
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Howard Leese – guitars, bass, keyboards, synthesizers, mandolin, recorder, orchestra arrangements, autoharp, percussion, backing vocals
  • Denny Fongheiser – drums, percussion
  • Fernando Saunders – bass guitar
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Howard Leese – guitars, bass, keyboards, synthesizers, mandolin, recorder, orchestra arrangements, autoharp, percussion, backing vocals
  • Scott Adams – saxophone
  • Jon Bayless – bass guitar
  • Frank Cox – guitars, keyboards, backing vocals
  • Scott Olson – guitars
  • Ben Smith – drums
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Howard Leese – guitars, bass, keyboards, synthesizers, mandolin, recorder, orchestra arrangements, autoharp, percussion, backing vocals
  • Jon Bayless – bass guitar
  • Frank Cox – guitars, keyboards, backing vocals
  • Scott Olson – guitars
  • Ben Smith – drums
1998–20022002–20032003–20042004–2006
Hiatus
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Scott Olson – guitars
  • Ben Smith – drums
  • Mike Inez – bass guitar
  • Tom Kellock – keyboards, synthesizers
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Ben Smith – drums
  • Mike Inez – bass guitar
  • Gilby Clarke – guitars
  • Darian Sahanaja – keyboards, synthesizers
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Ben Smith – drums
  • Mike Inez – bass guitar
  • Craig Bartock – guitars
  • Debbie Shair – keyboards, synthesizers
2006–200720072007–20092009–2012
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Ben Smith – drums
  • Craig Bartock – guitars
  • Debbie Shair – keyboards, synthesizers
  • Ric Markmann – bass guitar
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Ben Smith – drums
  • Craig Bartock – guitars
  • Debbie Shair – keyboards, synthesizers
  • Ric Markmann – bass guitar
  • Darian Sahanaja – keyboards, synthesizers
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Ben Smith – drums
  • Craig Bartock – guitars
  • Debbie Shair – keyboards, synthesizers
  • Ric Markmann – bass guitar
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Ben Smith – drums
  • Craig Bartock – guitars
  • Debbie Shair – keyboards, synthesizers
  • Kristian Attard – bass guitar
2012–present
  • Ann Wilson – vocals, flute, guitar, keyboards, percussion, violin, autoharp
  • Nancy Wilson – vocals, guitars, mandolin, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica
  • Ben Smith – drums
  • Craig Bartock – guitars
  • Debbie Shair – keyboards, synthesizers
  • Dan Rothchild – bass guitar
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