DEAD RISE FROM THE GROUND AFTER METEORITE HITS CEMETERY

The good news is the flash of the meteorite as it struck the earth provided enough light for a nearby mechanic to jump start a dying man’s heart with battery cables.

A nearby 300 lb woman, Darcy, mounted a tiny man, Oscar, lustily and vigorously, and he drowned.

That’s how you catch the man of your dreams, said Darcy.

Outside the gates, Father Arturo Maglio confessed that he met Satan face to face in Hell.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, the priest said, who was born in Italy.

While Jeannie Peeper’s face, Jeannie Peeper of Casselberry, Florida, turns to stone. And jaw, I might add.

Meanwhile, Bill Sokolin, of New York City, New York, broke a $587, 000 bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1787 that once belonged to Thomas Jefferson.

Not THE Thomas Jefferson, he insisted. A Thomas Jefferson. From Tempe, Arizona. Completely different Thomas Jefferson.

“For what it’s worth,” Bill said, “I’m sorry.”

“DON’T!” the unidentified woman from Kensington, England, screamed and lied, “DON’T. I have AIDS.”

“That’s OK, “Tony” of Notting Hill, England growled truthfully, so do I.” And so he did.

New Zealand’s Basil Rather’s parrot, Pepper, memorized 20 unrecorded Beatles’ songs. That’s easy to do when you’re the parrot of John Lennon! Will he record them himself? Probably not, he squawks.

Did Karl Mitterer know that his stomach would explode during surgery in Bamberg, Germany?

No.

Did Karl Mitterer of Bamberg, Germany, suspect that it would explode all over the place? No, he did not either suspect that. His diet of beans and cabbage was not a bad thing and it was not his fault.

Did Nikos Binoki pops popcorn with his mind on a faraway, distant island in Greece?

Yes he did.

And it’s piping hot!

Yes, it is.

But in a way it is not, also.

Nikos Binoki.

Suspecting terrorists, the riot squad tore down the door to find Maureen Edwards of Farnham, England, in a flimsy kimono, fresh from love.

Maureen Edwards of Farnham England was fresh from love with an unidentified lover from Belfast, Ireland.

While faraway, in Japan, Itsuji Shimohira landed a plane poorly in somewhere, Japan. “I have disgraced myself and my family,” he said, and hung himself in the airport bathroom in Japan.

Pedro Rodriquez, residing in an unknown location, didn’t care about anything. He hated God and pointed a loaded 45 cal revolver at the sky and tried to kill Him.

Then there was this lightning storm. You would think it was funny but it wasn’t.

And there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

And now Pedro Rodriquez is dead.

Nostradamus said, “Of course, this is only a guesstimate.”

It’s getting late in Brazil, and also in New York.

It is still early in Tempe.

It’s rainy in England.

That is the bad news.

But there is more.

Jeannie Pepper of Casselberry, Florida, her heart?

By now, it’s turned to stone.