Friday, September 16, 2011

BRIEF REVIEWS OF FILMS BY THE GUY WHO DID THE LIGHTBULB AND TRIED TO MAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF CEMENT (2)

SANDOW (1894): Sandow the bodybuilder puts his hands over his head and his biceps throb for about eight seconds. Then Sandow the bodybuilder crosses his arms like he is waiting for a bus or something. Then Sandow the bodybuilder looks at his six pack, and it ripples for a little under three seconds. Then Sandow the bodybuilder shows off his left bicep in the he-man style, and just when you think Sandow the bodybuilder is going to show off his right bicep in the he-man style, Sandow the bodybuilder stares at his stomach and in a flash turns around and starts really working his back muscles up and down and around sort of like a dance and a victory salute combined with a vaulting on the pommel horse sort of deal. This lasts for about two seconds. Then Sandow the bodybuilder turns towards the camera and smiles, looking very proud of himself and displaying in profile his modestly sized penis encased in leopard skin loincloth. This takes about five seconds. The mood of the piece is enhanced considerably by the two flames that seem to flank his every move. For just a moment the action - and there is a lot of it - starts to get a little repetitive with the stomach muscles rippling stuff for about four seconds, but Sandow the bodybuilder works it nicely like he is doing a John Travolta in Stayin’ Alive until you realize that John Travolta’s great grandfather was probably younger than Sandow the bodybuilder. Just at the point when the viewer is lulled into the rhythm of the piece and the Giuseppe Travolta dancing, Sandow, Sandow the bodybuilder smells his armpit and the movie ends in a way that is abrupt, although somehow is oddly satisfying, but mostly upsetting.

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