Wednesday, December 30, 2009

DVD NEW RELEASES: free 'n easy

Recently I was contracted to write plot synopses for upcoming DVD releases. Due to the rush and excitement of the holidays, I was unable to preview each selection. Still, after years of movie-going, I find that it is rather easy to dial in, and with a surprising degree of accuracy.

So here are some releases that will be coming your way after the holidays. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.


NEW ON DVD: RELEASES THAT I HAVEN’T SEEN AND HEARTILY RECOMMEND:

CHELSEA ON THE ROCKS: Follow the adventures of Chelsea, that lovable li’l scamp probably from Manhattan, who gets into piles of mischief, mostly when she is walking on rocks somewhere in Scotland or something.

CRAZY FOR CARS: Documents the stories of twelve different people who were diagnosed obsessive-compulsive personality disorder due to their deep and abiding affection for cars. Filmed at the historic Sommerville Asylum in Belmont, Massachusetts, this documentary includes historic footage of Sylvia Plath, Rick James and James Taylor all looking depressed and sad and staring out the windows at cars rushing by.

PLANET HULK: The Hulk awakens one balmy summer day to discover that he is living on a planet. Chaos ensues.

THE BEST OF LIBERACE Vol. 1 & 2: The director’s cut. Includes legendary ‘behind the scenes’ sequences of Liberace shopping for hosiery, walking in gardens that are filled with peonies, and at Boston Garden, watching Gorilla Monsoon trying to gouge out the eyes of Haystacks Calhoun, whereupon Haystacks Calhoun gets angry and does mean things to him and takes away his horseshoe, much to the delight of Liberace who claps a lot.

WHEN SOLDIERS CRY: Sad but true story that tracks the lives of four of our boys in uniform who see terrible things and then act like pussies.

BLACK DYNAMITE: Starring Mike White

GOOD HAIR: There is great hair, and there is bad hair, and then, somewhere in between, there is good hair. Narrated by Sandra Bullock.

MEJOR ES QUE BARIELA NO SE MUERA: Si, es mejor, es much mejor. Gabriela, ¡Por favor! ¡No se Muera! En colores, con cerca de subtítulos.

SCOOBY-DOO: ABRACADABRA-DOO: The madcap adventures of that big brown dog and his lovable friends, the guy with the peach fuzz and that girl with the glasses, as they delve into the dark side.

OPEN GRAVES: Yuck. 

BELLYDANCE SUPERSTARS: 3D Volume 1: The title says it all. Narrated and starring Alec Baldwin with cameo appearances by Telly Savalas, Dr. Joyce Brothers, and Mickey Rooney. Filmed in Sensurround, Dolby sound.

HEART IS A DRUM MACHINE: Although unrated, the mature subject matter is recommended for adult audiences only. Narrated by Quentin Tarantino.

MARTHA SPEAKS: MARTHA SAYS IT WITH FLOWERS: From the fragile Azalea to the lasting affection of the Zinnia, no one says “Flower! Flower!”quite like Martha, (Flower!) who is, I am assuming, Martha Stewart, (Flower!) who in this 5 minute single take documentary adores saying the names of almost every flower you can imagine, and some that you actually rarely do, like, for example, the Zinnia, (Flower!) which symbolizes lasting affection. And Oh! the Xeranthemum* (Flower!) 

*symbolizes immortality, like Odin, the one-eyed all-father of Asgard of the Nine Worlds.

PREVENTION: FLAT BELLY WORKOUT EXPRESS BELLY BLAST: The 70’s Bachelor Party Righteous Boner-Packing Poontang-Lovin’ Bodacious Boinkers Ball Sex Sinsation! Bring your buds! 

WALKER, TEXAS RANGER: THE SEVENTH SEASON: Why?

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