Saturday, June 25, 2011

NAMEOLOGY

Everybody loves Jacob. Since 1999.
Isabella is popular. But watch out Isabella.
Here comes Iker and Crew and Zuri. 
I know. I feel the same way.
Look at my database and weep.
I like to kick people with “names.”

Now

If you are looking for Grace and Emma 
and Julia and Anna and Ella and Hannah 
go to the library and pick out an old book
and sneeze from all the dust. The dust
of 2004!

Or pretend that you are riding a wave
on the that beach in California called
Nostalgia Beach. There are no jellyfish or
sharks there, only people named Grace 
and Ella and stuff. The clouds are white 
and puffy. I call that one “Anna.” I often 
refer to my heart as “Ella.” I like being 
a man. And I enjoy a good sno-cone.

I grew up with Williams and Davids
and Josephs and Jameses. I am not 
ashamed of it. And the odds are that 
my son and my son’s son will grow up 
with them, too. My son is named George, 
but I call him William David Joseph James 
because I love him. I love him so much.
SO much!

I am a nameologist. 
The letter “J” is not quite in the middle 
of the alphabet which explains why there
are more boys whose names begin with
“J” than any other letter. It also explains
why we often call marijuana cigarettes “J”s.

And why the “J” is silent in Lerue.
Also invisible to the eye. 

JoJo was a Beatles song, kind of. 

He thought he was a loner, or a rental car.

“A” for girls is more obscure. Although there
are a great number of Averys, Ariannas, and
Avas who are real tarts. I mean tarty as hell.
What were their mothers thinking? Or maybe 
their fathers. No, their mothers. I bet they all 
smoke cigarettes and said I don’t care what 
you think, Daddy. I don’t look forward
to these lives.

Most people’s names are now 5.9 letters long.
In the old days, they were 6.2 letters long.

Imagine a name that is 6 letters long.

I love postcards they are short.
Long letters make me sick.

Imagine a name that is 1 letter long.

What would happen if you took all the names
in the Bible and made them into one big name?
Nothing, I bet. 

Until the earth began to tremble
with the love and the trembliness.

We are English and we know it and 
names are perfect, perfectly fine
and awful. Our names are short and lovely.

Watch Sarah tumble down the stairs
until she is 49% of what she used to be.

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