Tuesday, March 30, 2010

TODAY! IN THE NEWS!!!


An incredibly lucky carpenter came within one-eighth of an inch of being a dead man–when he accidentally shot himself in the heart with a nail!

I think I’ve been shot! construction worker Brett Cruz told his boss seconds after the nail gun discharged as he put it down sending a 4 inch nail into the wall of his heart!

Coworkers said they could see the head of the nail pulsating from his heartbeat!

The crew leader and another worker put Cruz into a pickup truck and sped him to Baptist Northeast Hospital in San Antonio Texas!

While we are waiting to see what becomes of him lets think about the name Bret for a moment!

Bret by the way is not a very interesting name!  Its originally a Celtic name and it means coming from Brittany!

Variations of the spelling of Bret include Brett! And Brit!

Once there was a person named Brett who played football! In Wisconsin! He was the most famous Brett ever!

Bret almost sounds like Brack!, as in: brackish water!

You could say that Bret sounds like Brittany as in Brittany Spears, but it doesn’t! If you said it did, you would just be fooling yourself!

Bret Cruz is a slightly more interesting name than just Bret alone! because it sounds sort of like a pen name and Cruz sounds like cruise! It’s like someone cruising the streets looking for some sweet tastin’ honey coochie! A real fucking whore!

Still there are more interesting Bret names than Bret Cruz! I am particularly fond of Brett Rasmussen! Bret Doty! and Bret Ramsey! which sounds like the prophylactic but is spelled differently...than the prophylactic!

Interesting facts not about Bret but about Ramses prophylactics!: They were named after the Egyptian Pharoh Ramses II who reportedly fathered 160 children! 160! Children!



Ramses are available for purchase in the Durex Fiesta Condom Sampler 144 count jar!

The assortment fun pack includes Performax Maximum Love! Intense Sensation!! and Extra Sensitive!!!

They are also available in Sensitol! Lubricated Sensitol!! Spermicidal (!!!) and Thin Mince. Thin Mince!!!!

Make no mistake about it, when it comes to maximum sensitivity and pleasure in lovemaking nothing beats Ramses Brand Prophylactics!!!!!

People named Bret buy Ramses Prophylactics with confidence! At the convenience store! All the time!!

Bret Cruz never lost consciousness as he was taken to the hospital but felt himself getting weaker as the wound bled internally and the sun began to set on the parched desert landscape said his mother, Dottie Cary.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

In Raphael’s TRIUMPH OF GALATEA


In Raphael’s TRIUMPH OF GALATEA

(Rome, Villa Farnesina)

a triton, raging with lust, abducts a sea nymph

three cherubs, chestnut brown, take aim at Galatea

with their little bows and arrows–

more tritons, more sea nymphs abound merrily,

trumpets are blown, mythily,

and Galatea rides a peculiar sea, puke green

in a curvacious seashell, normal, drawn by dolphins,

not very, while a grey ghost skull imprints her knee,

she gazes towards a soft heaven

contemplating platonic love, OH



Could I do as much 

if I could swim

and if I were not afraid of tritons

the apotheosis, half men, half fish

and bows drawn by flying midgets?

I could do my best, and that is all

you can ask of yourself, and I do,



I could try, but confidentially,

I smiled, frankly,

No sirree,

I could not.

IF MY NAME WAS BUB


I would say,

Can’t you just call me Bob?

If my name was Bob,

I would say,

Everything is just dandy with me!

ANYTHING BUT SNOWPHISH



I should have married her when I had the chance.

I could have lived with her forever in the garden of earthly delights.

If she were mine, my world would smell like those mysterious herbs

from those shampoo factories.

I would have been so happy with her.

And those freshly picked wildflowers

that smile and love.

Right now I am having a beautiful thought.

And her name was Feather.

Or Windsong.

I forget.

Time flies.

Dig the butterfly with lips like daisies.

Right now I am having a beautiful thought again.

Willow, maybe? No.

Cassiopia? Maybe.

I know! Shamica Sativa. Man,

I...I...I...I blew it.

But that’s cool too. Still,

I would have let her brush my hair until I was bald.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

HEAVEN


What I love about heaven
everytime I think about it

is that I have three thoughts
about it

And everytime I think about it
it is three different thoughts

Last night, I had my first thought
it was like a dream about ice cream

And then came my second thought
a massage, I think it was, by clouds

clouds

And then the third...

the third thought...

and then...

hello?

Saturday, March 13, 2010

JAZZ LIKE A SWEET TOOTH


Raw Sugar
Sweet Spice
Banana Pudding

are three delicious things

is the name of an Al Hirt album

isn’t a very good album

don’t taste very good if you
put them together and mix them up

isn’t spelled ‘pudding’ but is
spelled like this: puddin’

is an album I wished I liked better
so that I could play it to my friends

and when they asked me Hey What is
this album that’s playing I could say

Raw Sugar
Sweet Spice
Banana Puddin’

not pudding

Monday, March 08, 2010

TELEFRICASSEE: off and on a romp!


I am not sure why I didn't mention this already to you, dear reader*, but I have begun to post episodes of TELEFRICASSEE at the following address:

http://www.omnitele.blogspot.com


There are a 101 episodes in all, and I will place them in this site periodically and lovingly. Please feel free to comment on the site, or as some do lately, on things that don't seem to be related to anything or anyone in the universe.





* I decided that I could use this phrase once I turned 50.

TODAY’S POEM:


SWEATIN' TO THE SIXTIES

Today I asked myself:
Is there a riot goin’ on?

To which I replied:

no.
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