JELLY-JELLY JELLY

For a long time, I have contemplated writing a short essay regarding the proper way to construct the peanut butter and jelly sandwich but I can’t decide the best way to begin such construction. If you insert your knife into the peanut butter jar first and apply the peanut butter to the bread, then there is a residue of peanut butter that in all likelihood will end up in the jelly jar. If you insert your knife into the jelly jar first and apply the jelly to the bread, then there is a residue of jelly that in all likelihood will end up in the peanut butter jar. It is rare that one would want peanut butter in anything that one might apply jelly to, like, for example, a jelly donut, a jelly cookie,  a sweet mama jelly roll, a jelly-jelly jelly bean. However, there are few things to which you would apply peanut butter that would not be enhanced by a trace amount of jelly. Those few things are celery sticks. 

It is really only one thing if you only have one celery stick. If you have a hundred celery sticks, then it is a hundred things and peanut butter wins the contest because a hundred is a lot and jelly says I didn’t even know it was a contest no fair, but contests like this have been run for millenniums and that is really what this essay is about: for as long as man has been on this earth, there have been essays in which the victor has won through wily and slippery means.