THE FIRST ANNUAL CRISPIES AWARDS: PART IV: that which struck my fancy in the biggest ever way over the course of this year

TO LEIGH STEIN: for deciding to never stop amazing the world with what she write.

ROBOT SYLVIA PLATH
Pat, keep your suicides straight.
Never did I say I would walk
into a river. Remember? All my jokes
are about ovens. All my favorite
stories begin with “Le Creuset.”
Since you asked, I’m wearing black
underwear, a black turtleneck,
and black rain boots. I’m going
ice skating. Suicide by ice skate.
I’m going to shock everyone
at Rockefeller Center
with my apropos of
nothing. Regardez-moi!
Je suis incroyable!
I hope Rockefeller Center
has robot insurance and
I assure you
my behavior
is always, entirely
appropriate.
Signed, A Robot