Friday, June 27, 2014

MELANCHOLIA

Thirty years ago this restaurant was the best restaurant 
in the city. Now it is the best restaurant in the city thirty 
years ago. If I were hungry I would eat this sentence first, 
and then that one.

OLD MAN


The little boy who drew his wife in chalk on the white curtain must have believed in the power of the unknown.

POOF!

Every morning an elderly lady walks across the street 
and writes the word forever on the grocery store wall. 

Every afternoon a little girl walks across the street 
and draws a line through the word forever.

One morning an elderly lady didn’t walk across the street.

That afternoon a little girl walked across the street 
and drew a line on the grocery store wall.

The next morning there was no grocery store wall. 

When the little girl walked across the street, she bumped her head. 

It started bleeding but she kept walking and didn’t stop.

THE OLYMPICS


One man at the top of the subway pointed towards Julia Child’s kitchen. Another man told us that he was trying his best to help Catatonic Homeless Women and didn’t point at Julia Child’s kitchen. Julia Child! the first one screamed. Women! I help women! screamed the second. Which man did you like best, she asked. I can’t decide, I said. We looked at both men. It was so hard to decide. That made the men jump up and down and up and down and up and, of course, down.



Sunday, June 15, 2014

REMEMBERING BURL IVES


When I see an article entitled REMEMBERING BURL IVES I think to myself Oh no! Did Burl Ives die? But then I see that Burl Ives died in 1995, almost twenty years ago, and I feel better, almost as good as I feel when I look at him playing a brown guitar and smiling, in a photograph in article about Burl Ives written in 1995.

Friday, June 13, 2014

LESSON


I took my friend’s marijuana and put it in a tupperware 
container in the fridge and told her I would keep it there 
until she could leave me a message giving me directions 
to the hospital without laughing so hard that I couldn’t
understand if it was on Fifth Street or Fiftieth Street or
in Seneca or in Slovakia or in the middle of Neal Sedaka. 
Someday I will return her marijuana to her when she can
and when I do I will keep the tupperware even though it’s 
really hers. Why? Well, I just love tupperware, that’s why.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

HE DID LIKE TO PLAY BASEBALL



Watching Johnny Thunders shooting up 
and nodding off in the East Village

Watching Johnny Thunders hitting 
Spacely with his guitar at the Mudd Club

Watching Johnny Thunders covered 
in blood in his bathroom

I wonder if Johnny Thunders knew how to knit.

I wonder if he ever read Henry James.

I wonder if he could make a soufflé. 

I wonder if he ever tried to dance like Fred Astaire.

I blame myself for wondering these things. 


When I was little, someone used the word Ph.D when
I was sitting at the table eating cereal. How do you get 
a Ph.D? I asked. It’s easy, the Doctor told me: you just 
have to write about something that no one has ever 
written about before.

Saturday, June 07, 2014

Tolstoy stopped going into the woods 
with his gun because he was afraid
of what he might do with it.

Wednesday, June 04, 2014



I have twelve things to say about this drawing.

I ALSO DON'T LIKE SMILING


There is a photograph of New York City one day in 1964
in which the streets were empty. I didn’t read the caption
because I didn’t want to know why. Tomorrow when we 
drive to Mexico, we can talk about it. We can talk about
it the whole time we are driving to Mexico. Mexico is 
very far away. It is unlikely that we will know why New 
York City was empty one day in 1964 even by the time
we reach Mexico. It takes a long time to get to Mexico.
Everyone asks me why I hate Mexico: this is why.

JELLY-JELLY JELLY


For a long time, I have contemplated writing a short essay regarding the proper way to construct the peanut butter and jelly sandwich but I can’t decide the best way to begin such construction. If you insert your knife into the peanut butter jar first and apply the peanut butter to the bread, then there is a residue of peanut butter that in all likelihood will end up in the jelly jar. If you insert your knife into the jelly jar first and apply the jelly to the bread, then there is a residue of jelly that in all likelihood will end up in the peanut butter jar. It is rare that one would want peanut butter in anything that one might apply jelly to, like, for example, a jelly donut, a jelly cookie,  a sweet mama jelly roll, a jelly-jelly jelly bean. However, there are few things to which you would apply peanut butter that would not be enhanced by a trace amount of jelly. Those few things are celery sticks. 

It is really only one thing if you only have one celery stick. If you have a hundred celery sticks, then it is a hundred things and peanut butter wins the contest because a hundred is a lot and jelly says I didn’t even know it was a contest no fair, but contests like this have been run for millenniums and that is really what this essay is about: for as long as man has been on this earth, there have been essays in which the victor has won through wily and slippery means.

Monday, June 02, 2014

June 2, 2014

I keep putting off writing my poem about peanut butter and jelly because I can't decide if I should start with peanut butter or jelly. It might sound coy or silly, but it's really true. Where do I start?

AT THE SERVICE


95% of people test out a pen
by writing their own name.

She held the pen in her hand
and traced her lifeline
with invisible ink.


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