Saturday, January 30, 2010

PEPPERMINT

It seemed like I wrote for days and days
all about wintergreen, and in so many different
ways–very complicated and literary and sometimes
really abstract ways, too. But finally I closed my book
and put away my pen and just said to myself,
“wintergreen makes me happy.” That’s all I really
wanted to say. And I already closed the book, and
put away my pen, and I have already said it, and so
it is the best of both worlds. Aren’t we?

SATURDAY

Today I realized that if Tennessee Ernie Ford ever taught me anything, it was: “When in doubt, trust the wiggly leg and the snapping finger.”

••

Earl Palmer Flintstones drummer AND Little Richard Tutti Frutti drummer–surely I will say more about this today–I must.

••

Today I decided that if I were to have a rock band I would like to name it “Not A Drug Reference.”

Thursday, January 28, 2010

CAN I SAY THE ONE THING THAT PROBABLY HAS NOT BEEN SAID TODAY ABOUT J.D. SALINGER?


One well-established comedian was passionately determined to buy the movie rights to CATCHER IN THE RYE in the early 60's, with the hope of perhaps starring in the movie's title role of Holden Caulfield.

I'm not kidding. I have no reason to lie to you.

THE THURSDAYS OF MONTBLANC: not the mountain, oh no, not the mountain


Today it is always possible that someone might write me a letter using Montblanc Toffee Brown or Montblanc Oyster Grey ink – and if they did I would know that it was writtten sometime after today, when Montblanc released their new ink colors, Toffee Brown ande Oyster Grey.

Today Montblanc said: “Discover a new writing experience: New ink colors Toffee Brown & Oyster Grey are now available in Montblanc Boutiques and from specialised retailers! Be one of the first to get the chance of writing with Montblanc’s newly launched ink colors. How it works: Be among the first 48 to write an E-Mail to facebook@montblanc.de, name the ink color you are interested in (Toffee Brown or Oyster Grey) and receive a free sample.”

Today I wrote Montblanc: “Dear Montblanc: Not only do I love you, but I would prefer to try Toffee Brown rather than try Oyster Grey. Toffee Brown reminds me of the Heath Bars that I used to eat, frozen, when I was young, before I would watch, yes, monster movies, often with, I believe, Boris Karloff, in them.”

Today I missed ‘Peacock Blue.’ It was a really unusual and wonderful color that Shaffer used to make for their fountain pens. I mentioned this in my second letter to Montblanc, and I do hope that this wasn’t a mistake. However, “I was just trying to be honest.”

Today I wondered how long it would be before Montblanc wrote me back and what they might tell me when they do. “I like your ink bottles,” I thought of telling Montblanc, “they remind me of little cocker spaniels.” This is true, and that is another reason that I asked for Toffee Brown ink. It is much more like a cocker spaniel than Oyster Grey is like a cocker spaniel. Oyster Grey just reminds me of being depressed in Nova Scotia with wet dungarees and standing on rocks.

Monday, January 25, 2010

WHO AM I?


Bismosal: Mixture Cholera Infantum. But that was long ago. Things are very different today.

MONDAY

Today I wrote a letter to Metallica: Why can’t you write wonderful catchy songs about puppets anymore? I wrote the letter in my brain.

••

Today I agreed with David Foster Wallace, of course lobsters do not like to be thrown in boiling water and boiled to death.

••

Today I was surprised to discover that Einstein had a brother and that they make bagels together and that you can become a fan of their bagels on FACEBOOK and if you do they will send you a free bagel and schmear.

Friday, January 22, 2010

WISDOM


PEER PRESSURE
from Larry Mondello
“Leave It To Beaver”
Season 1, Episode 37

When Larry says: “GEE, if we always did what your father told us to do, we would never have any fun,” please consult ‘Parental Advice’ below.


PARENTAL ADVICE
from Ward Cleaver
“Leave It To Beaver”
Season 1, Episode 37

Don’t use my power tools, especially when I go to the hardware store to buy clamps to make a checkers table for you boys and I am only gone for a few minutes. And if Larry comes over while I am gone and says something like: GEE, If We Always Did What Your Father Told Us To Do, We Would Never Have Any Fun, do not drill a whole through the garage so big that you can see your mother through the hole coming to announce Lunch Is Ready And It Is Tuna Fish Today For Lunch. It will be your fault and not Larry’s if you do, even though Larry did it and has run home by now because he knew that it was his fault as far as I am concerned it is your fault because I warned you many times: do NOT use my power tools.


ADVICE FOR LARRY
from ‘A Concerned Viewer’
“Leave It To Beaver”
Season 1, Episode 37

Larry: if you want to stay for lunch at the Cleavers, do not drill holes in Mr. Cleaver’s garage with Mr. Cleaver’s power drill while you are horsing around in the garage, for you do want to stay for lunch, for tuna fish will be served, and tuna fish is your favorite lunch, above and beyond all other lunches.


CHILD RAISING ADVICE
from Wally Cleaver
“Leave It To Beaver”
Season 1, Episode 37

When your child runs threatens to run away from home, sock him. If he runs away anyway, tell him you don’t want him to, otherwise he will run away and not come back because coming back will make him feel like a creep.


REFLECTIONS ON LEAVING HOME
from Theodore Cleaver
“Leave It To Beaver”
Season 1, Episode 37

When packing your bindle stick, be sure to include a bag of marbles, in case you meet other hobos and you want to play marbles with them.


A MOTHER’S LOVE
from June Cleaver
“Leave It To Beaver”
Season 1, Episode 37

“I don’t care what the Beaver did, I just want my little boy back.”

Thursday, January 21, 2010

3 BOYS

3 BOYS

Three boys hold hands in a circle surrounding a candle and begin to sing until they are made out of clay.

It doesn’t affect their singing. They still sound exactly as they always did, which was barely anything.

It was actually nothing. Their mouths are shaped like perfect ‘o’s, and their noses are fleshy carrots. Their hats had fluffy cotton balls atop, like their noses, now clay.

And out of their mouths, for miles around, you could hear this:








It has been said that their trickery was noted by God, who punished them, and hardened their bodies into grey brown clay, surrounding a candle to that would keep them forever warm.

Have you ever touched clay? It is pleasant to touch. It is attractive to look at. People often say “ahhh” when they see it. Clay bodies are placed in the most important rooms in the house. Clay lasts for a terribly long time. Candles are beautiful and warm and make you think.

I often wonder: Is there a God?

I like to sing silently with my friends, and I like to sing

O, no,

I like to sing,

O yes.

LOOKING AT THE LAUNDRY, I STILL MISS THE LAUNDRY

In a commercial for laundry soap in Japan, hundreds and hundreds of women fluffed their bed sheets in a long, serpentine row traversing the mountainside.

Much later, devotees of Marcel Duchamp took his bones and laid them end to end to see how far they would go.

Do you know how far they went? I can tell you this much: they didn’t go anywhere nearly as far as all the Japanese women fluffing their bed steets, traversing the mountainside of Japan in a serpentine row, right before the director says CUT, in Japanese, and then, That’s beautiful, he says, really, just like me, as I fluff the bedsheets, tonight, for you.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

SUNDAY

All I have really ever asked for is to be as happy as the polar bear on the Icee cup.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

WEDNESDAY: OBSCENITY

Today I discovered that on the day that Lenny Bruce was being arrested for obscenity at the Café a Go Go in New York (April 4, 1964), I was jumping up and down when I saw a big picture of me drinking a glass of orange punch at the New York World’s Fair, right across from the Unisphere and GE’s Progressland. ME! At the World’s Fair!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

WHILST–

–reading an orange book, I noticed a single brown hair on the second knuckle of my right hand and it was standing straight up, as though at attention. When I saw it, I said TEN HUT! out loud without even thinking and then hoped that there was no one nearby to hear it – it would be very difficult to explain and I wouldn’t want to at all.

Then I vacuumed the house, especially the kitchen.

I noticed that the hair was still standing straight up. I started to like this little hair. It reminded me of myself when I was seven years old, saying the Pledge of Allegiance, under a giant Banyan tree, looking very serious, and staring straight ahead at a really humongous American Flag.

Then I made my bed.

But it couldn’t be me! At seven, I had no hair on my hands. Even if I did, they were lightly blond, not brown, and at rest, not standing, on my right hand. They were not holding an orange book, and not worrying about anything. They were covering my left breast, feeling my heartbeat. They were wondering about liberty and justice for all, and other things.

Then I took out a magnifying glass.

I’VE NO LOUD TOY

I love anagrams.

My favorite has
to be:

‘Noodle
Out, Ivy.’

Also known as:

‘I don’t love you.’

So: The next time
someone says

“I don’t love you”

just remember:

They love you.

Your pet name
covers the halls
of academia.

You can play
anything you want
on the piano.

Go for it!

It is their wish
and desire–some

times people don’t
show their love.

They just want you
to noodle.

It will lead you
on a path

Back to them.

Now
that’s love!

(And kind of sexy)

Rock on, Baby!

Baby Corn, OK!

Friday, January 08, 2010

TORI AMOS ALSO SAID: I BELIEVE IN HER FAMILY, ON HER MATERNAL SIDE, THERE WAS A DR. TETRAHYDROCANNABINOL PURE ISOMER DRONABINOL

TOM PETTY said: Last dance with Mary Jane. One more time to kill the pain. I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town again.

RICK JAMES said: I'm in love with Mary Jane. She's my main thing. She makes me feel alright. She makes my heart sing.

ALANIS MORISSETTE said: What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day. As you place the don't disturb sign on the door. You lost your place in line again, what a pity. You never seem to want to dance anymore.

COLLIE BUDDZ said: (yeh) High grade (yeh) High Grade

THE CLICK FIVE said: Oh whatever happened to Mary Jane? Ooh ooh. Ooh ooh.

SHWAYZE said: Baby we can be my mellow lil lady. And she made me tell the truth like ecstasy. So, whoa, I gotta slow myself on down. Baby what's the word? I ain't trying to kill your mockingbird. Her name was Mary Jane, She sang, like Eda (sic) James.

ILL SCARLETT said: Wowww we are fried! Mary Jane

CYPRESS HILL said: LOOK WHO'S BACK ON THE PROGRAM HOOKIN UP ANOTHER FLY JOINT WHEN I FLOW ON THE SLOW JAM WHEN I SHIFT I KICK TO GO LIKE I FAT DRUNK AND I LIGHT UP A FAT SPLIFF TAKE A WIFF CAN YOU SMELL THAT IN THE AIR WHEN THE SMOKE COME OUT THE BUILDING FROM EVERY WHERE. SHIT I STILL GET DOWN SO JUST SIT DOWN WHEN MY THOUGHTS START CLOUDING TIME TO SIT DOWN WITH YET I GO WRONG I GOT TO HIT MY BONG THEY DONT KNOW I BEEN GETTING HIGH ALL ALONG I GOT A FRIEND NAMED MARY JANE

THE VINES said: Mary Jane said minds are games I went to the moon

Z-RO said: Even though I do my best, the only thing I earn is stress So I, spend most of my days chilling with Mary Jane Lately I've been going through more bullshit, than a bull fighter So when I sing my praises to God, one verse is like a full choir

NICK DRAKE said: Who can know The thoughts of Mary Jane Why she flies Or goes out in the rain Where she’s been And who she’s seen In her journey to the stars

THE ALKAHOLIKS said: When I got there you was loungin in the car with my homey He said he needed a dub so I slipped him one And said C’mon Mary Jane and let’s have a little fun I got you in the sack, I got you in the sack And like Helen tellin' Jack, there’s no turnin back She’s the Queen of the Ghetto, ask my buddy Tom Mary Jane is the bomb, Mary Jane

MS. SANCHA said: ITS THAT HOMIE FROST YEA GIRL U KNOW ME IM THAT VATO THAT KEEPS THE BEST SAC OF WEED OF THAT STICKY GREEN YEA THAT MARY JANE THAT SUPERBOMB ASS SHIT THAT'LL TICKLE UR BRAIN ROLL UP SWISHA SWEETS MP DOCTOR

COOLIO said: Whatch ya'll know about Mary Jane How ya'll feel about Mary Jane, Ya'll don't know about Mary Jane, She's my main thing

THE BEATLES said: What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party

THE HURRIGANES said: I´m gonna take a plane to Acapulco Blow some doe on sweet time smoke vacation Flying high babe down to Acapulco Don´t expect to see me round a while Mary Jane, Mary Jane, I´m coming

MEGADETH said: Never, never, never, never, never, never never, never, never, never, never

LI’L FLIP said: Yeah, I wrote this song for Mary Jane It's only one bitch I trick my dough fo'

PETER PARKER: THAT’S Mary Jane? (Mary Jane): “Face it, Tiger, you just hit the jackpot.”

TORI AMOS said: Mary Jane who I admit you puberty was somewhat strange. Could this be fixed with Mary Jane? Mary Jane, Mary Jane, Mary Jane who?*

WB YEATS said: I met the Bishop on the road And much said he and I / 'Those breasts are flat and fallen now, Those veins must soon be dry; / Live in a heavenly mansion, Not in some foul sty / What a shame Mary Jane had a pain at the party / What a shame, Mary Jane had a pain

SCAR FACE said: Do your thang (sp) Mary Jane.


* MARY JANE: ‘mary jane’ is youth slang for marijuna**; other expressions include but are not limited to the following: weed, herb, green, kibbs, kibids, shwag, shwiggs, herbage, kg, chronic, seni, sensemilia, motta, buddha, grass, reefer, bud, hemp, dope, draw, dew, endo, giggle bush, purple haze, matchbox, messo role, mo, mighty mez, kushy, hydro, devil’s lettuce, green cheese, sweet tooth, fisherman’s friend, truckies treat, jungle juice, poor man’s grass, rich man’s lawn, purple sticky plant, alabama kush, devil’s pubes (yuck), zippiddee doo, JB, green monster, pencil shavings, oregano, doobie snacks, fatty boo batty blunt, fatty, governor rockefeller, the grand canyon, hello it’s me, lorne’s eyebrow, leave it to beaver, captain my captain, who has seen the wind, mighty mouse, deputy dawg, uncle fester, swing low, sweet chariot, captain terrific, god almighty what the fuck is this, and joktan begat almodad, listen to that lonesome whistle blow, pat boone’s groin pull, the mai lai massacre, jeff ‘skunk’ baxter, a me no me gusta, I don’t know nothing about birthin’ babies, miss scarlett, colonel mustard, mean mr. mustard, the long and winding road, mazal tov, a hundred bottles of beer on the wall, primrose lane, the huntley and brinkley report, grace kelly’s g string, the man who sold the world, peppermint pattysticks and a-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-lop-bam-boom.

** Marijuana: (from Sanskrit: ????? gañj?, meaning "hemp"), among many other names, refers to any number of preparations of the Cannabis plant intended for use as a psychoactive drug. The most common form of cannabis used as a drug is the dried herbal form. The active ingredient in marijuana is delta-9-trans-tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC, also known as "(yeh) High Grade". The structure of THC is very similar to the endogenous cannabinoids, or endocannabinoids for short, which are naturally occurring chemicals in the body. The THC binds to the receptors of the endocannabinoids, and activates the neurons, allowing them to do their thang and thereby causing the different sensations experienced during a high, including the smoker's enhanced ability to tell the truth like ecstacy. These receptors are spread throughout the brain. THC affects the central nervous system, as well as the peripheral tissue systems. THC can reduce pain, lower body temperature, and enhance appetite. It can also be used for anti-inflammatory, bronchodilatory, and anti-convulsant, which is why THC is used for medicinal purposes. THC is used as a popular treatment for glaucoma by reducing ocular pressure, and for neurological disorders such as multiple sclerosis, Huntington's Disease, spinal cord injury, summer creepin' in, town fatigue, and hearts incapable of song.

The THC ('Eda James' [sic]) acts on the receptors of the endocannabinoids. Two known endocannabinoid receptors are CB1 and CB2, which are found in the nervous system and the periphery nervous system, respectively. The receptors are coupled with G-proteins and mediate the inhibition of adenylyl cyclase activity, which in turn reduce the production of cyclic AMP, cAMP. The reduction of cAMP formation blocks calcium ion flow into the cells, which would disrupt the formation of action potentials. This may attribute to some of the side effects to marijuana use, including the sensation of what smokers refer to as "mellow lil lady" after the ingestion of a fat spliff. Cyclic AMP and calcium ions regulate several neurotransmitters, including acetylcholine and dopamine. This may account for the nice and mellow feeling people experience when smoking pot that clouds time swisha sweets, shit when they've got a friend called Mary Jane.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

WEDNESDAY: Liza With A Prune

Speaking of ladies with mouths opened, today I discovered that Liza Minnelli was taught to position her mouth to say the word ‘prune’ before engaging in a kiss because it sets one’s mouth in the perfect kissy shape.

Monday, January 04, 2010

NOT EVERY MAN IS COFFEE

Cannot figure out, for the life of me, how to use botheration in a writing piece. I really want to do it though. You see, Lenore J. Coffee used it in THE GREAT LIE. If he can do it, so can I.

Please, God, let me use botheration. Show me the way.

I await your response.

Respectfully,

Crispy

Saturday, January 02, 2010

BETTY'S MAN

When Mary stole Betty’s Man, Betty was a terribly good sport about it. Every day Betty would visit Mary when Betty’s Man, now Mary’s, was at work. Mary was bored and lonely, and Betty knew it.

Where is Betty’s Man today? In Brazil. But he isn’t Betty’s Man today. He is Mary’s Man today.

So Betty rings the doorbell. “Thought you might need some cheering up,” Betty says to Mary. Mary smiles slightly. “Here,” Betty says, “have a cigarette.”

“Thanks,” Mary would say. “Don’t mind if I do.” And then they would sit and chat, gossip about their friends, laugh and eat sandwiches out on the deck.

“Here, have another cigarette,” Betty would say. “Thanks,” Mary would say, “don’t mind if I do.” And they would laugh and eat sandwiches and gossip about their friends.

“Please,” Betty would say, “have another. Have another cigarette.” Mary would smile and say nothing, taking a cigarette from the case. Her throat was feeling a little irritated, but what could she say?

“Another cigarette, please.” Mary would say.

“It’s just a matter of time,” Betty would think to herself. Although she was unsure of the exact science, she knew that, if she remained steadfast, she would eventually serve Mary one cigarette too many, and then Mary’s Man would be Betty’s Man again, in Brazil or not in Brazil. How she loved him so!

Betty imagined herself sitting on the deck, a cigarette still burning beside her, Mary slumped on the grass, pale and silent. Betty imagined eating the last sandwich from the tray. It would be delicious. The sun would begin to set. “Jonathan,” Betty would say, “please come out here and clean up this mess.” Betty could hear butlery footsteps in the kitchen.

Somewhere far away, and probably in Brazil, Mary’s Man would match Mary, cigarette for cigarette. Mary’s Man had a hunch. Call it love, if you will. “Life is not living,” Mary’s Man would say, “if it’s life without Mary.”

He would never be Betty’s Man again. She had her chance, and she blew it. Too angry, too many cigarettes.

And Jonathan would come out. And Jonathan would clean up the mess.

Friday, January 01, 2010

THURSDAY: the smoking cricket that was hoagy carmichael


“I’m a bit disappointed in myself. I know I could have accomplished a hell of a lot more...I could write anything any time I wanted to. But I let other things get in the way...I’ve been floating around in the breeze”

is something I discovered today, and Hoagy Carmichael said it.

Today I thought about Hoagy Carmichael alot. Everything he ever said was sort of a poem but a little one without a proper ending. They were like little Bing Crosbyisms, only sweeter, and silky smooth.

I decided that Hoagy Carmichael was Mr. Unflappable, Mr. Steady As She Goes, Mr. Okee Dokee, Mr. Slo-Go Molasses, Mr. Smokin’ Cloud Floatin’, Mr. Living Is Easy & Mr. Everything’s Breezy all at once and then something else– maybe Mr. Tragedy?

Tragedy can be very nice. It gives you that easy, smoky feeling.

I tried to imagine Hoagy Carmichael fighting with his wife. I can’t imagine Hoagy Carmichael fighting with his wife, but surely he fought with his wife if he got divorced from his wife which he did. I imagine that she fought with him, and he sat at his piano and lit a cigarette and tilted the brim of his grey fedora over his eyes and said “Well OK then, Sugar.”

I had three more thoughts about Hoagy Carmichael today:

1) I am glad he flunked the state law bar in Florida

2) I wonder what his jacket smelled like

and

3) how great it must be to be buried in a place called Rancho Mirage.
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