LABELS - I NEED YOUR HELP

In the last three years, I have discussed the following subjects (below) but I can't decide which one I like best. Can you help?

My vote might just go to 1 dollar weiners, but that's because it comes first, and I tend to be an impatient reader.

Crispy

PS – OH! Look over at the right side of this site and far down if you want to see, for example, when I was talking about rustic mustaches or mighty codpieces or even happy teenage hearts.


1 dollar weiners (1)
100 grand (1)
11:00 PM (1)
1957 (1)
1964 (1)
30 something (1)
a rustic mustache (1)
adventure (1)
africa (1)
amber (1)
amphetamines (1)
angels (1)
anthony dominick benedetto (1)*
anything (1)
bad dog (1)
balsa wood (1)
baltimore (1)
bangladesh (1)
banshees (1)
beak (1)
bear (1)
bed (1)
beeswax (1)
beeswax parachutes (1)
bender (1)
bennett (1)
blaise (1)
bliss (1)
blood (1)
bodybuilders (1)
Borges (1)
Bosco (1)
boxing gloves (1)
bruno schultz (1)
bushel of peas (1)
california (1)
capas (1)
capes (1)
casino owners (1)
cat women (1)
catnip (1)
champagne (1)
cherry (1)
chest hair (1)
chicken (1)
chicken breasts (1)
Chief Thunderthud (1) **
chocolate (1)
chow dogs (1)
cilantro (1)
circles (1)
clouds (1)
cobbled (1)
cockroaches (1)
cointreau (1)
comfy chairs (1)
contempt (1)
content (1)
convertibles (1)
cougar (1)
counter tops (1)
Cowabunga (1)
crazy barbers (1)
creamsicles (1)
creamy peanut butter (1)
crescent moon (1)
crickets (1)
Cuidado (1) ***
darwin (1)
david (1)
de rigueur (1)
dead indians (1)
destinations (1)
detrop beauty (1)
difference (1)
dinner (1)
disgusting (1)
divorce (1)
dolphins (1)
drink (1)
drunk (1)
du (1)
dutch (1)
easy as pie (1)
egg (1)
electric fences (1)
electric flag (1)
encrusted cinch (1)
entertainment (1)
epaulette (1)
eugene (1)
evil (1)
eyeball (1)
fancy chop suey dinners (1)
faraway wheat fields (1)
Fear of Death (1)
fellini (1)
fetch (1)
field hockey (1)
fizzy grape soda (1)
flawed (1)
flower (1)
fluffy basmati (1)
foliage (1)
fred mertz (1)
french fries (1)
friendship (1)
frontispiece (1)
Funny (1)
funny hat (1)
god (1)
golden tears (1)
good (1)
grace notes (1)
grassy (1)
gum drops (1)
happy (1)
happy teenage hearts (1)
hawaii (1)
hello (1)
hide (1)
ho ho ho (1)
holly (1)
hookamajigs (1)
Hoorays (1)
hot dog (1)
Houdini (1)
jack kerouac (1)
jazzy b (1)
jello (1)
JELLY MOULDS (1)
joey bag o'donuts (1)
john cheever (1)
kali (1)
ketchup (1)
Kings (1)
lemon (1)
lord byron (1)
louis (1)
love (2)
love rollercoasters (1)
lugers (1)
lusty baritone (1)
luvey duvey gooey things (1)
make it wavy (1)
masters (1)
me (1)
melancholia (1)
meow (1)
mice (1)
mighty codpiece (1)
milton berle (1)
model t (1)
moist (1)
mold (1)
monopoly (1)
mother (1)
mountain dew (1)
Mr. T (1)
mullberries (1)
murder (1)
muscles (1)
my grandpa (1)
My Pappy (1)
nice (1)
norman (1)
nostrils (1)
now (1)
nozzle (1)
nudging. jasmine (1)
ogre (1)
oh (1)
oily mess (1)
Omega (1)
orange-colored blankets (1)
oranges (1)
oregano (1)
outer space (1)
ovalmaltine (1)
Pablo (1)
palm tree (1)
palookaville (1)
paperbacks (1)
parachutes (1)
pastiche (1)
patti smith (1)
patti smith's father (1)
paul (1)
peace (1)
peanut butter cookie crumbs (1)
peanut butter cookies (1)
peas (1)
penises (1)
perfecto (1)
Perky (1)
persian rug (1)
persimmons (1)
Peru (1)
PERUVIAN POISON DART FROGS (1)
pete (1)
pharaohs (1)
pick up trucks (1)
pieta (1)
pillow (1)
pines (1)
pink tafetta (1)
place (1)
pliable texture (1)
pol roger (1)
poof (2)
Posture (1)
presidents (1)
prima style (1)
Prince (1)
puffer fish (1)
pyrotomic (1)
quivering (1)
qwerty (1)
radium poisoning (1)
rag paper (1)
rain (1)
really (1)
rex (1)
Richard Nixon (1)
ringo (1)
Roast Beef (1)
robert oppenheimer (1)
rock candy (1)
Roses (1)
salty (1)
SARAH BERNHARDT (1)
sausage patties (1)
savory catnip (1)
scary (1)
schnozz (1)
serpents (1)
shadowy figures (1)
Sharks (1)
sleazy (1)
snooty (1)
soft (1)
soren (1)
sparkling (1)
spartacus (1)
stink eye (1)
stupid grin (1)
STURGEON BLADDERS (1)
sundrop (1)
svenshine (1)
sweet melting pulp (1)
swirls (1)
teenagers (1)
telephone (1)
tetanus booster (1)
the devil (1)
the flying bob (1)
the ocean (1)
the pink floyd (1)
time (1)
titanic (1)
titanium (1)
tomato stains (1)
tongue (1)
tony (1)
trousers (1)
truffle (1)
tuberculosis (1)
typos (1)
uncut hair (1)
us (1)
vaca (1)
viola (1)
voodoo donuts (1)
w.c. fields (1)
walt (1)
walter cronkite (1)
warm (2)
wavy (1)
WEED (1)
whale kebabs (1)
white dots (1)
woods (1)
wooly blankets (1)
wow (1)
xavier (1)
XIPO (1)
yachts (1)
yes (1)
yoga (1)
Yonkers (1)


* anthony dominick benedetto: just a fancy way of saying 'tony bennett'

** I am not sure why I capitalized 'Chief Thunderthud' and 'Mr. T' and didn't capitalize 'Darwin' but that was a long time ago.

*** look! I also capitalized 'Cuidado' and 'Cowabunga' – that was probably a good idea.

READERS are GOD

I thought I wished you
knew what I was doing
now but you do, you do

LOUIS PRIMA IN VEGAS

Las Vegas, that is. Prima style.

And he is clutching Keely Smith, a beauty
to his breast and her eyes roll towards

the ceiling, the photographer snaps
the photograph: SNAP

and forever it is forever an album cover

a very good one, although Lord
Jesus only knows what it sounds like

inside–I certainly do not.
But I do know one thing:

After the camera went
SNAP, Louis Prima let her go

and she walked away

perhaps to the Sahara

for a very early breakfast

and a cigarette

her eyes no longer rolling

towards the heavens or really

anywhere, and darkness covered

the earth that night until

later that

same morning

LOVE & SCHULTZ

Some friendships remind of me of the first page of Bruno Schulz’s STREET OF CROCODILES–something so beautiful and so perfect that you wonder How could this get any better? Well, it can’t, it can only stay the same: a perfect Bruno Schultz Street of Crocodiles friendship forever, never changing a whit, which is a little sad, really, because sometimes it would be nice if it would change a whit, but it doesn’t, and there you are with your love and friendship blazing with sunshine and scented with the sweet melting pulp of golden pears. Oh Bruno! What did you know, anyway, and why didn’t you just come out and say it while you still could?

GALL IS HERE! THE GALL, THE GALL!

It's been at lulu.com for a wee bit, and it is finding homes, deserving homes. Deserving homes that want to read tiny fable stories about losing your gall bladder. Sylvia, it doesn't get more confessional than this.*

FROM THE INTRODUCTION:

1998 – where do I begin? Allen Ginsberg was gone, Larry Rivers was gone, Gregory Corso was gone–but my gall bladder? It was still there. But for how long? Read the oft spoke of, seldom seen GALL and you will know for yourself. Definitely for the squeamish!




* Actually, sometimes it does. Not for me, though.



all artwork, including handsome monsters but not crinkly devilish types, ® mr. crispy flotilla, 2008

THE ART OF THE NEXT SENTENCE

Well, since you asked, I am on page 124 of MORNINGS ON HORSEBACK.

The next sentence should be:

1) The Story of an Extraordinary Family, a Vanished Way of Life and the Unique Child Who Became Theodore Roosevelt

2) Thanks for asking. I'm doing pretty well, but I am a slow reader. How’s your Mum?

3) At words poetic, I'm so pathetic that I always have found it best, Instead of getting 'em off my chest, To let 'em rest unexpressed

4) None of your beeswax.

5) Would you like to read it when I am done? CAVEAT: I eat peanut butter cookies while I am reading my books.

6) SETTING: The night is warm and moist and there is no breeze. A moth enters the dwelling. You appear to be visibly upset by the appearance of the moth. I say Shoo, moth, shoo! and attempt to shoo the moth with the back of my hand in a gesture that is somewhat effeminate and unpersuasive to the moth. The longer the moth remains flittering here and there, the more visibly upset you appear. I decide upon a course of action. I stand up, fully erect, and with one simple, declarative, forceful motion, smoosh the offending moth with the backside of MORNINGS ON HORSEBACK whereupon the moth (from now on to be referred to as "EXHIBIT A") remains crushed and lifeless right under the part on the cover that says The Story of an Extraordinary Family, a Vanished Way of Life and the Unique Child Who Became Theodore Roosevelt and the moth remains proper, as they are, adhere between the words 'unique' and 'child' on the cover and there are a lot of peanut butter cookie crumbs about now, but I don't mind, they must die. I mean

If you hate moths, then by God, so do I.

SATURDAY

Today I saw a picture of a donut in Portland, Oregon that had white cream eyeballs and a lemon custard fang that looked like it was dripping out of its mouth from its head which was made of Boston cream chocolate. Oh Portland Oregon!

FRIDAY

Today I read that Joyce Carol Oates used to write 40 pages of fiction every day and I thought that she probably has a very flabby core muscle group.

I DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH GUYS pt. 1 (PARTS 2,3,4 missing for now but PART 3 just talks about how much I love my pen)

part one

I don’t fall in love with guys–I just don’t. Sure, once in a while I will say something like: “That Walter Cronkite is a devastatingly handsome man” but what I really mean is that Walter Cronkite is very avuncular and I feel safe and warm in his presence. Although I really am not in his presence–I am actually lying down on the rug in the living room and watching him on television and he is talking about Somebody just shot the President!

In reality, as I recall, I am just remembering someone else commenting casually not so much on Walter Cronkite but on how handsome Julie Newmar was, poured deep and sexy-style into her sparkly spangled black leotard and matching black cat mask in the 1966 television series, BATMAN. I forget who he was now, it’s been quite a while, but I do remember him saying: “That Jewlie Newmar is a devastatingly handsome woman”–not an avuncular woman–not a woman who made you feel safe and warm–but a devastatingly handsome woman who purloined the animal fever of your heart and held it captive in a prisoner-like way, intoxicated by the savory catnip of her tingly feline and curvaciously de trop beauty. And I, like so many millions probably, fell in love with her the first time she said “Purr-fect” because, as I said, I do not fall in love with guys, I fall in love with girls–there are millions of us who do–why, I think even Julie Newmar would if she were me–and I hate to say it but, we are all so very unhappy, but it is nobody’s fault, least of all Walter Cronkite’s.

THURSDAY

Today I was so excited when I told Geoffrey and Gregory about my new name Joey Meatballs but they said Have you ever been to Moe’s and I said No, I haven’t but isn't that a Mexican restaurant and then they gave that knowing look to each other and for the life of me I don’t know what my new name of Joey Meatballs has to do with Moe’s which I think is a Mexican restaurant and then they told me about Joey Bag o’Donuts which is a real speciality they say at Moe’s.

WEDNESDAY

Today I realized that 51 is the perfect age to get tired of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Today when I discovered that there is almost no nutritonal value at all in a Quaker Oats Energy Bar, I didn’t get upset – I felt happy and relieved. “The old coot has done it again!” I thought.

Today I pondered: we live in a humorous world where the last letter of the alphabet is ‘Z’ and somewhere in the middle of its dictionary you can find the word ZOWIE.

TUESDAY

Today Iggy Pop said once when he was close to death he heard the celestial choir which was beautiful but the music sounded like Tangerine Dream and it was pretty lame.

1904

ONE

According to
Thomas R. Lounsbury,
a professor at Yale University
the English language has been
steadily infilterated by both
barbarisms and vulgarisms.

And even though 1904
was a long time ago,
I agree. One thing that
makes me sad, for instance,

Is that we no longer use
the word ‘vulgarism’

Nor do we use ‘barbarism’

much.

TWO

But there’s a lot more
to it, really. For example,

Did you know that the third
person neuter, once upon
a time, was not ‘It’ but ‘Hit’?

So if you are going to place
a ‘hit’ on someone now, that
means you are going to off them,
Corleone-style, but then it
could mean that you were going
to put some kind of object on
him, like a raisin on his shoulder–
or the anvils you see drawn so
majestically in old cartoons–on
his face–and that he would live
to love another day,

with a raisin on his shoulder or his
face smooshed, via of course the anvil.

THREE

I shouldn’t admit that I didn’t
know this about it, but of course
you and I have known each other
for a long time, and I do not
get easily embarrassed in front
of you, in fact, I love you. Not
like I am in love with you, but
I really do love you at least a
little bit. I am really in love
with Alexander Pope and
John Gielgud. I like the way
they talk.

FOUR

‘You’ hasn’t changed like ‘It’
has. It still says ‘you’ and that’s
that. When I say ‘you’ I mean
everybody, but not me.

Or it.

FIVE

Here’s another interesting deal
about English:

‘Sprung’ ‘Sung’ & ‘Drunk’
were once

‘Sprungen’ ‘Sungen’ & ‘Drunken’
which I bet you didn’t know.

I found out last night reading Mr.
Lounsbury while you were probably
at a bar, drunken.

SIX

‘Held’ for ‘Holden’ ‘Sat’ for ‘Sitten’
& ‘Stoode’ for ‘Stonden.’

“We are fickle common people
mobile vulgus and we like to change things.”

SEVEN

Why stop now? Worried about a heart attack
of the English language? Not really. In fact,
they say if you laugh aloud every day, the
chances are you will have a healthier heart,
and die instead of something like cancer
or a train accident.

‘Hide’ and ‘Chide’ are verbs of the weak
conjugation. But it gets worse. In the 16th

Century, they gussied up the look this way:

‘Hidden’ and ‘Chidden.’ I know. I feel
the exact same way. You needn’t say a
thing. I can read your mind. Our brains
are melding and it’s really awesome.

EIGHT

And that’s not all. In fact, we are only up
to like, page 2 of Thomas R. Lounsbury
interesting article.

There’s still ‘Alonges’ “Amiddes’ and
‘Amonges.’ And God if I don’t dig
‘Drownded.’ But that’s quite enough
for me.

For if I continue, I will be rich with sorrow,
for Grammarians scarcely laugh at all,
and tend to die of broken hearts, not
train wrecks.

Meanwhile, in my comfortable house,
The limpid pools of change make me clutch
the air to the bosom of my heart and I hold
it as tight as can be gasping for air and nobody
sees me laughing and nobody sees it laughing
neither but me.

DIE RHYMES WITH CRY

1606

In “An Hour’s Recreation
In Music” (Richard Alison,
1606) it’s hard not to notice
that Richard Alison says,

There cherries grow,
that none may buy
Till cherry ripe themselves
do cry.

It’s hard not to notice
because it is right
there on the page
in the first stanza
of the poem, entitled

“An Hour’s Recreation
&c &c” by Richard
&c.”

I have been thinking
lately: if I threw it
away, it would be
harder to notice.

If I walked into the
street and got hit by
a bus, I could very
well die.

I can’t help it:

‘Die’ rhymes with ‘Cry’

Unless I have powers
that I don’t know
about, and wouldn’t
know about until
the bus did its
business, and if I do

I extend a handful
of cherries to you.
It’s not a trick.
I found them in
1606.